I’m not saying I know more than you do, I’m just saying I have to sift through a large amount of crap on the Internet. Here are the top 5 updates I’d prefer not to have to read again:

5. The threat of inbox zero.  Whether it’s bragging you’ve managed it, or complain-bragging about how busy you are and how so many people email you every day, the Internet doesn’t care. To be honest, I assume someone is paying you with the understanding that you are competent enough to manage your inbox, so I’ve never understood why inbox zero was something to talk about. Isn’t that something for your performance review?

4. The scatter-gun sell. I hate this. On most social networks, you have to choose to follow someone. This means, I’ve chosen to follow the person that thought this was a good idea. This makes me feel conflicted on the inside, because it means I choose to follow people with no idea how the Internet works. Why would I do that? Do I not know how the Internet works? Am I not as smart as I think I am? It’s a downward spiral that starts with a tweet about acai berry juice and ends with me on the bathroom floor having an existential crisis. Please, save me an evening of regret-filled angst.

3. The complaint about bad service.  When people write out, “You’ll never get my business again” I read, “Don’t you people know how important I am?” Truth is, you’re probably no more important than the rest of us and I doubt the $2 you spend on a coffee there once a month will have much impact. If you really have a problem with the place, why not voice your concerns in private, with the owner? Basically, aim for a solution to the problem instead of doing something that makes you look like a pompous ass *and* has zero impact.

2. The salute to all the fierce women in your life. Yes, it’s probably true you have great friends. They are probably amazing as otherwise, you probably wouldn’t be friends with them. Instead of just saying you are thankful for all the “amazing, independent, smart, fabulous” women in your life, why not share what makes them awesome? Again, brag with purpose. Let everyone else know what makes your friends great and your social updates will become that much more valuable.

1. The faux-humble, self-congratulatory update. If you are proud of yourself for doing something awesome, I’ll have more respect for you if you say, “Hey, I’m really proud of myself for doing something awesome.” The whole golly-gee, fishing for a compliment really doesn’t work.

Next up: The top 5 social updates I love seeing!